It wasn’t until today, in Lincoln, Nebraska, the Capitol of Nebraska but Not Associated with Any Bumper Sticker Records That I’m Aware,2 that I first began to think of the back of someone’s car the same way I do about a profile page on a social media website. A bumper sticker contains a finite number of characters and can sometimes be terribly vague, just like a tweet or a facebook status.
I was waiting at the intersection at Cotner and Vine (I dare you to hit a green light there ever. I think I’ve only ever not had to stop there once in my life. It is on my list of Least Favorite Intersections Ever3), reading the back of someone’s car like it was a biography of their life. From the four bumper stickers spread an appropriate distance from one another (space that I’m sure she’ll fill in with more informative stickers about her life in the future), I wrote a little blurb that I’m sure she’d be proud to post on whatever social media site the kids are crazy about at the moment:
Recently I decided to get a pet. After reading about it on the internet, I decided that the best thing for me to do would be to adopt one from the pound. The greatest thing is that they don’t call it “adopting” anymore, now it’s called “rescuing.” So I could have a pet and feel good about myself! It’s like having your cake and eating it, too! Except I won’t eat my dog lol. Anyway I saw the cutest little pug and took him home and I love him so much!!! On the way out I paid too much for some bumper stickers shaped like my doggie’s footprint to put on my SUV. That way everyone will know what an awesome person I am (one says “Rescue Mom”) and how awesome my dog is (“Who Rescued Who?”)!!!
Whenever I see a bumper sticker I really wonder what the thought process is behind putting one on your car. I can assume it’s similar to the phases someone goes through when considering a tattoo: where should I put it, what should it say, how much should I pay for it? You must have to be really dedicated to something to get it permanently etched on your body, and even though a bumper sticker isn’t as lasting as a tattoo, they’re pretty hard to get off of your car. Although now they do make magnets, so if you decided that you wanted to share your love of the Philadelphia Eagles with the world (or whoever happened to be behind you at a red light), you could slap a magnet on the back of your car, and then just take it off when you change your mind and decide that now you’re a Redskins fan.
But now that we have social media, we can share our vague angsty thoughts, relationship frustrations, or annoying political views with anyone at any time. You don’t have to be driving your car to let everyone know that you think that Calvin should urinate on whatever you dislike. In fact, you probably shouldn’t. Using your phone to browse the internet or text while you drive is very dangerous. Maybe that’s why we still have bumper stickers: they’re a semi-permanent facebook status to keep us from tweeting and driving.
Or maybe we have things like social media because of the need to share our thoughts and beliefs with the world. From primitive societies drawing on the walls of caves, to graffiti on the walls of buildings, to bumper stickers, to social media. What’s next?
Maybe someday there will be a pet groomer willing to shave your personal creed into the fur of your cat (and then you can take a picture of it and post it on your facebook page)!
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1 This statistic is 100% totally made up. But I wouldn’t be surprised if it were true. Or at least pretty close to true.
2 This statistic is 100% totally true. Lincoln is the capitol of Nebraska the last time I checked, and I don’t know that the city holds any bumper sticker records.
3 Sharing company with 32nd & Cornhusker/Adams/whatever, 27th & Capitol Parkway, and several others I don’t even want to think about right now.
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