Best First Sentence

Today I was reading Gawker’s (NSFW) list of The 50 Best First Sentences in Fiction. A lot of great books made the list, and several that I have never read pulled me in and made me want to pick up the book to get the rest of the story.

Any list like that should come with a disclaimer that includes who it was that put the books on the list, the fact that all of the books are in English, and why they completely ignored Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. (I mean, come on. “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife”? That should have been at the top of the list.) Actually, there’s no way anybody could collect the 50 best... anything in fiction. It’s like when someone says something silly like, “I don’t like people,” and their friend responds, “well that’s not fair; have you met all of them?” Nobody could read everything in the world. This list is more like “the 50 best first sentences in the fiction written in English that will probably be considered classic literature in another 50 years or so.”

It was an interesting list to read, and interesting to think about what it would be like to have written a sentence that made the list. For a while, I thought about what it would be like to see my name on a list like that. Then, I thought about what my sentence might be. Then, I thought about what kind of book I would write that would get the kind of attention to make any kind of “best” list. Then, I thought about the best sentences I’ve written so far. So I decided to go back and make my own list, featuring myself (no bias allowed). So, without further ado, I present: “The 5 Best First Sentences in Fiction Written by Patricia Livermore in the Last Year or So (compiled by Patricia Livermore).”

“It was 1 AM and I was walking down the middle of the street lopsided.” from Pumpkin-Carriageless, March 10, 2015

“It was the oldest story in the world: boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, for the sake of girl boy immediately dumps perfectly good girlfriend, perfectly good ex-girlfriend reveals her desire for revenge.” from Typical Love Story, November 18, 2014

“The strains of Sir Mix-a-Lot’s hit flowed from his back pocket as he knelt, looking up into her eyes, which had been slowly filling with happy tears.” from The Perfect Moment, October 7, 2014

“The Tower has always been here.” from The Changing of the Seasons, August 6, 2014

“A strange occurrence in downtown Lisbon last Friday had employees of a local electronics company assembling a human ladder to verify strange reports of a dragon in the area.” from Portuguese Dragons, January 15, 2014

This list was fun to put together! It’s always interesting to me to go back and read things I’ve written before, because I get to feel a fun mix of “wow, that’s ridiculous; why did I write that?” and “oh yeah, I forgot; I am hilarious!” After reading the first line, I would, of course, have to read the rest of the story, and then I would get to remember all the fun I had writing it: all the times I giggled to myself, made myself cry, or stayed up until the wee hours putting the finishing touches on it.

I love my job. I don’t get paid, but that’s okay. If none of my first sentences ever make it onto a “50 Best” list, I don’t care. Those things are usually rigged anyway, and it’s always easy to tell which ones are: the ones that leave out Jane Austen.

The Blarg

Have you ever had one of those days when feel like you can’t do anything? For me, that day is today.

I have a serious case of Blarg.

The internet is vaguely distracting, but only in short spurts (usually until my body remembers the Blarg and starts shouting at me to find a more comfortable position. Not gonna happen, body. I doubt I’d be able to find a comfortable position in Zero G today). My children are cute, but not terribly entertaining while they’re napping (I would nap too, except that it would be ¾ tossing and turning and only ¼ nap, and that’s not enough nap to even justify walking into my bedroom). I love my kindle, but the two books I’m reading right now are unsuited to be read together (one has super long chapters and the other super short; I’ll let you guess which one is more interesting) (not to mention that the reading has to occur while I am sitting, standing, or lying down, and as I’ve previously mentioned, doing any of those things sucks for me today).

Sitting? Uncomfortable. Sleeping? Uncomfortable. Reading a book? Uncomfortable.

Blarg.

Review: Lost in Austen

So Amazon Instant Video’s got this new thing: a long list of shows that you can watch through their service, but only the first episode is free.

There are tons of titles available through Amazon Prime, but if you’re not up for anything on that list, you can always pay for your movies and TV... or torture yourself by trying to watch only the first episode of something. I mean, there’s no way you’re going to watch the second episode if it isn’t free, right? Surely you can resist watching the rest of the show in our current binge-television-watching world, right?

Long ago, Lost in Austen was on Netflix and available to watch on Prime, but I was hesitant. The synopsis painted a picture of a modern London girl inserted into Austen’s world, so the literary purist in me shouted, “but that would make everything all wrong!” But then of course the day I decided I finally wanted to try it was the day that I found out it was no longer available (for free) anywhere. Last night, though, I saw that it was on the dangerous list of Amazon’s “only the first one’s free.” I said to my husband, “It might be terrible; I may as well watch the first episode and find out.”

Well, it turns out I was right. About everything.

Not about it being terrible, but I guess that depends on your definition of "terrible." Inserting a modern person in the Regency period was disruptive and it did mess everything up. And watching only the first episode of a television show is like trying to eat only one potato chip: IT’S IMPOSSIBLE. So my advice for trying out Amazon’s drug dealer style “first episode free with ads” service?

(So far this has been more a review of Amazon Instant Video’s new attempt to get you hooked and give them your money. We now return you to your regularly scheduled review of fan fiction on film.)

Here’s the question that sets the whole thing up: what would any loyal Austen fan do if they were inserted into one of the books? The answer is: try to make sure everything happens the way it’s supposed to. And what would happen instead? Of course everything would go wrong.

No Austen fan, no matter how devoted, would be able to switch over in to the speech patterns of the early 1800s immediately. There would be at least one moment when they would be yelling, “WHERE ARE THE HIDDEN CAMERAS??” And no one would be able to resist predicting things or trying to influence the characters. Nobody who is a true Austen fan would be able to just sit back and watch things happen when they have a chance to interact with the characters they love.

And that’s what Lost in Austen is about. Amanda Price is a Londoner whose favorite night in consists of curling up alone on the couch with Pride and Prejudice, even though she could probably recite the greater part of the book without opening it. She’s understandably shocked when she finds that Lizzy Bennet has entered her bathroom through a secret door, and even more shocked when she goes through the door and finds out it won’t open after Lizzy closes it behind her.

Amanda is rude and sometimes vulgar and gets drunk at pretty much any opportunity (which may put you off watching it if you can’t tolerate that kind of thing). But she tries her best to get things done the way they should be in Lizzy’s absence while trying to hang on to her sanity. “I may be losing my grip on reality, but at least I’m still in control of my hair.”

The greatest part about this romp through Austen’s world is how well the writers grasp the characters (although I suppose it isn’t hard when you’ve had two hundred years to study them). Bingley just wants to fall in love with someone beautiful, Darcy wants someone who doesn’t fall all over themselves trying to make a good impression on him, Mr. Collins is susceptible to any kind of praise (especially of Lady Catherine), Caroline Bingley is a snob, Mr. Bennet loves his daughters despite the fact that they drive him crazy, Mrs. Bennet is determined to have all her daughters marry well, and Mr. Wickham is an unscrupulous liar.

It’s hard to find good fan fiction. And it’s even harder for Austen fans, a fact that is unfair, since our beloved author only wrote six books to begin with! Pretty much any re-imaginings of Austen are the raindrops that quench Austen lovers’ souls.

Is Lost in Austen ridiculous? Yes. Is it fun? Absolutely. Is everything wrong? Pretty much, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore it. It’s Austeny. And if that’s what you want, Lost in Austen is what you need.

Just know that you’ll only be able to watch the first episode for free.

Helpful Advice

When you wake up in the morning and reach for your kindle to resume the reading that you fell asleep to, make sure you read the entire first sentence before you assume you’re in the middle of Pride and Prejudice. Just because the first word on the page is “Lydia” doesn’t mean that you’ve traveled back in time to Regency England. I mean, as long as the next sentence doesn’t refer to the fact that the main character has been arrested recently, you’re probably okay. If it does, you probably fell asleep reading that Dresden Files novel that you’ve already read six(ty) times.

Just a little helpful advice.

I found this gif on knowyourmeme.com.

Romanticizing

I have been reading a lot of Jane Austen and other works that romanticize that period in history recently. The polite conversation, the quietly passed evenings, and the chaste romance seem to be ideals that have been lost. Enough time has gone by that we look back and yearn for those simpler days.

It’s got me wondering: what will it be like when people start to romanticize this period in history? What kind of a world will it be that those living in it would admire our rude conversation, the nights spent clubbing, and the subtle dance of the booty text? Will their actors dress up in skinny jeans and “Keep Calm and Carry On” t-shirts, portraying life in the early 21st century? Will their historical societies stage reenactments of our televised political debates? Will people start using twitter again just to feel like they’re back in the past?

Romanticizing the past is a little silly. Life was harder then. Those who worked had more to do, those who were ill had less advantages in medical aid and knowledge, and those without the means to take care of themselves had little opportunity to improve their lot. And in the future, they will probably think the same things of today as we do of the past.

Though I’m sure it won’t stop them from romanticizing.