“Uh, someone’s taking a picture of us. I didn’t have anything to do with this!”
“No one will believe you. I don’t believe you. Who ever thought of taking the head off a statue to use it as a reference for sculpting a cake?!”
“I’ll put it right back, I promise you. No one will notice and it won’t be gone for long. Did I tell you how much Mrs. Sedgwick promised to pay me for this cake? Over nine thousand!”
“Why don’t you get yourself a camera, like that guy? That way you won’t have to steal public property.”
“I agree. This thing is heavy, what was your plan for getting it back up there once you’re finished with it?”
“The same way we got it down, of course, only in reverse. And don’t talk to me about cameras, do you know how much they cost? Over nine thousand!”
“Your plan won’t work. I’m not helping you carry it anywhere, not now that there’s evidence. You said this would be a victimless crime! Now I’m going to be the victim!”
“How hard it have been to sculpt from a distance? It’s not like you don’t have a direct view out the window of your kitchen.”
“You can’t do detailed nose hair work from a distance!”
“You could have used your imagination. Artistic license.”
“Of course not! He’s got to have it on his kitchen table! He’s got to convince two idiots to help him get it down before anybody sees! He’s got to be able to smell the nose hairs!”
“Hey, what are you doing, you two? Don’t! Don’t put it down! At least help me carry it inside, it’s right here, just a few more feet! Fellas!”
Town Square, 4pm, Tuesday
Three men were seen today carrying the head of the statue of General Sedgwick, hero of our beloved town. They were identified as the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker. The newly erected statue in honor of his Generalship was reportedly vandalized in order to be used as a reference for some sort of confection. The butcher denied all knowledge of the event when questioned by police, and the candlestick maker only shouted, “I didn’t have anything to do with anything!” while running as fast as he could in the other direction. The baker was found, sobbing, at the doorway of his shop, where he had been abandoned by his accomplices and had subsequently dropped the precious metal likeness onto his own foot. He was arrested and is being held without bail until Mrs. General Sedgwick can confirm or deny his story.
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