A couple of weeks ago I was riding my mother’s bicycle alongside my father as he ran down Capitol Parkway. On the way I told him about my blog project, my plans to update every day and to write everyday. I said to him, “It doesn’t matter what I write as long as I’m writing. And nobody has to be satisfied with it but me."
While that was true, I forget all about it on a daily basis. Not that I forget about writing; I forget that I’m the only one who has to be happy with what I write. I sit around and fret for half the day about what I’m going to post on my blog. Occasionally I can chill out enough to get a really good idea for a piece, but often I distract myself by going off in a direction I didn’t mean to and find it hard to get back to where I was headed. In those instances I usually abandon the project, meaning to come back to it later.
On days when I’m really desperate for something to post, I open each one of the files I had ditched earlier, thinking I will finish them or at least write a bit more or stare at them awhile, trying to inspire myself. Sometimes that works. Sometimes all I’m missing on a half finished project is a snappy ending.
Right now I’ve got about ten projects just sitting in my folder, waiting for attention. Some of these meandered away from me. Some of them need more research. And some of them I started so long ago that the inspiration I originally had while writing them has atrophied. Some of them are too personal to ever post on my blog, but I might share them with family members; others are too personal even for that.
There are days when I’ve looked at the clock and thought, “maybe I won’t update my blog today,” and then sat down to write something and turned out 3 pieces all at the same time.
My biggest problem is forgetting that the only one who has to be happy with my writing is me. The reason I forget it all the time is because I’m posting it up on the internet for anyone who wanders by to see. And I don’t want anyone to think I’m not good at it.
I feel like if I don’t post something every day that it will be that much easier for me not to post something the next time I’m not in the mood to, and that eventually I will just quit altogether. Keeping the blog updated keeps me motivated to keep writing. If I didn’t have the urgency of needing to post something, I wouldn’t have any motivation to write. Before I started the blog, I would get a good idea and consider maybe posting it as a status on Facebook or texting it to someone, like my husband or my mom, but I wouldn’t sit down and type it out, and the idea would be lost forever.
On days when I finish early, I feel so much freedom. It doesn’t matter if I’m putting up something I wrote six years ago or that day; I don’t have to sit around all day thinking, “What am I going to post? What am I going to post? It’s so late! I wish I had something to post!"
In my fervor to turn out something readable for the blog, I forget the feeling I get when I’m perched on the couch, balancing the laptop on my knees and giggling to myself as I write, pausing to tab over to an instant messenger program to send my husband a note: “Thank you for inspiring me to do this. I love it."
I just need to chill out and write. And the only person who needs to be satisfied with it is me.
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