How to Forget Something at the Grocery Store

How to Forget Something at the Grocery Store

Step 1: Do not write it down. If you make a list, you are guaranteed to remember at least a few of the things on the list, even if you successfully manage to leave the list at home.


Step 2: Make a list in your head instead. This works best if you have more than four but less than seven things you’d like to forget at the grocery store. Three things are easily remembered. Milk, eggs, bread. Not a brain buster. But four things: Milk, eggs, bread... what was that other thing? Oh yeah, butt paste. Chances are if there are four things on your list, you will forget at least one of them, maybe even two!


Step 3: Go to the grocery store without checking in your refrigerator, your pantry, or any of the recipes that you are planning to use in the near future. If you don’t realize that you need something in the first place, you are guaranteed to find out that you needed it only when you get back home.


Step 4: At the store, do not go directly to get the things that you need. Browse around. Check the prices for onions. Do you need onions? Check the prices for paper towels instead. That way, you might forget to go past the produce section at all.


Step 5: Ask yourself or any shopping companions (or if you’re up for it, any random passers by) if you’ve forgotten anything. Run down that list of things you had in your head every time, but mix up the order. Butt paste, bread, eggs, milk... milk, eggs, butt paste, um... wait, there were four things, what am I forgetting?


Step 6: When the checker asks if you “found everything okay,” reply in the affirmative, but make sure to tell them that you’re sure you’ve forgotten something and that they’ll probably see you back again within the hour. You’ll know you’ve done this correctly if you watch the cashier’s facial expression when they look at a nearby fellow employee to let them know that you’re another one of those crazies.


Step 7: If by chance you remember something that you forgot to grab while you’re still in the parking lot, on no account should you go back for it. Don’t worry, even though you’re driving away with the realization that you forgot the milk, someone will inevitably blow a stop sign or cut you off or drive fifteen to twenty miles under the speed limit in front of you while you’re on your way home, so you’ll forget that you remembered, and that totally counts as forgetting.

Step 8: Unload & put away the groceries that you ended up purchasing. This will put you in unavoidable contact with your refrigerator and your pantry, and maybe even those pesky recipes with their uppity lists of "necessary" ingredients.

Step 9: Enjoy that “ugh, I can’t believe I forgot the [insert forgotten item here] at the grocery store; I was just there!” feeling.


If these simple steps are followed, you cannot fail to forget any number of things at the grocery store. Keep following this blog for many other helpful how-tos, including “How to Call Your Brother to See if His Wife Has Any Jalapeños” and “How to Forget to Go to the Grocery Store in the First Place.”