Dangerously Delicious

Once upon a time, in The Past,¹ I was in a hallway cleverly disguised as a kitchen doing heated battle with a vegetable.


The End.²


I was all ready for work, even though I didn’t have to go in for several hours, and was planning on having a late vegetarian lunch, as long as I could tame the aformentioned vegetable. My roommate was somewhere within shouting distance, which turned out to be a good thing.


“Bwahaha,” I may have said.³ Shortly, I called in for backup. “Lindyyy...” “What?” my roommate called back from the other room. “Can you come help me?” “What do you need help with?” she asked, leaving what she was doing to see what I was whining about. “I’m kind of... bleeding...” I confessed reluctantly. “What? How?!”


I haven’t ever tried turtle meat, but I’ll bet it’s delicious. People probably first tried it thinking it fell under the mollusk rule:⁴ “If it’s hard to open, it’s probably tasty enough to be worth the trouble.” The same is true for squash.


Even if there’s bloodshed involved.


It was only my thumb, but there was quite a gash. I don’t even know how it happened. One minute I was slicing along with the knife, and the next minute the kitchen floor was drenched in my lifeblood and the squash was sitting there, uninjured, and looking sinister.


Even though I never got my lunch⁵ and my boss was annoyed with me for being late (since I had to go to my mom’s house to get appropriate bandages), I still love squash. And now I have the edge on those wiley vegetables, since I know they’re actually out to get me and will defend themselves rigorously.

________________
¹ The Past is anything that happened from the dawn of creation all the way up until about two months ago. Any event that happened between two months ago and the present is referred to as happening “The Other Day.”
² Not really.
³ It’s not like I wrote down the dialogue at the time. I wasn’t thinking, “Oh, in about seven years I’ll blog about this.”
⁴ which I just made up
⁵ I did eat the squash, just not that day. And my roommate had to do battle with it. She won, and didn’t lose any life or any limbs in the process.